


It Was Me

by laurenkmyers



Series: Ballum drabbles or codas [3]
Category: EastEnders (TV)
Genre: Angst, Anxiety Attacks, Crying, Eventual Happy Ending, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Panic Attacks, Resolution
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-16
Updated: 2020-07-16
Packaged: 2021-03-04 19:08:39
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 594
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25311373
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/laurenkmyers/pseuds/laurenkmyers
Summary: Ben comes clean about the warehouse.
Relationships: Callum "Halfway" Highway/Ben Mitchell
Series: Ballum drabbles or codas [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1833373
Comments: 4
Kudos: 33





	It Was Me

The tension is somewhat dissipating as they sit together on the couch watching whatever drivel is on TV, but the easy lie on Ben’s tongue burns him to his very core. He has to be better than this. Callum deserves better than this. The conversation with Frankie comes back to him so suddenly it jolts him awake. No more hiding. He has to be better. For Callum. For himself. He turns to look at his boyfriend out of the corner of his eye and sees him quietly pondering his ‘mistake’. _His heart cracks._ He’s about to speak up when Callum gets there first.

“I’m sorry Ben, I shouldn’t ‘ave assumed anything. I just worry about you, and I know I need to stop hovering over you every five seconds, but I’m trying. I’ll learn, I promise.” Ben watches carefully as he takes a lungful of air and sighs loudly, head in his hands before patting Ben’s leg to stand. 

“Thanks though,” Callum turns to say before pushing himself off the couch. 

Ben grabs his hand before he can walk away, “What for?” he asks, suddenly confused as to why Callum would be _thanking_ him. 

“…for forgiving me.” And Callum looks so vulnerable and sincere in that moment that Ben can’t breathe all of a sudden, but he hides his panic behind a smile and drops Callum’s hand. 

The guilt rattles around in his head, the lie screeching maddeningly in his ear, clawing it’s way to the surface, like it did back in the warehouse, before things went truly silent. Though he can’t really hear the tone, he feels it deep in his heart. It’s so piercing and loud it drowns out the promise he’d made to his dad earlier about Callum never knowing the truth.

“Callum, wait!” Ben runs after his boyfriend into the bedroom, “I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” He tumbles to his knees in front of Callum; the following panic attack hits him square in the chest and sends him crashing down, down, down. 

He can’t breathe. 

He can’t hear. 

He can’t see. 

Everything is deathly silent, but so momentously loud. 

He feels a pair of arms wrap tightly around him and he cries, a heaving sob wracks his body.

They sit there for a while, Ben breathing heavily as Callum strokes one hand down his back whilst the other grips the back of his head. It calms him somewhat, until he can breathe again. Callum is, unfailingly, the lightness to his ever-dimming darkness, not to get all cliché, but ying and yang do spring to mind.

When the worst of it is over Ben turns his attention to Callum’s patient face.

“It _was_ me.” Ben exhales on a choppy breath, “The warehouse…” he continues, observing carefully as the smoothness of Callum’s face toughens up as the lie is addressed out loud. “I was there. It was me. I’m sorry.” Ben drops his gaze back down to the ground. He can’t bear to look into the eyes of the man he loves to see the hurt and disappointment he knows will be reflected back at him. 

Callum stays silent and so _still_ you’d think he’d have been forcibly frozen- or perhaps he’d passed out sitting up. But Ben feels the moment Callum takes a deep breath, and he definitely feels the way Callum engulfs his face in both hands and drags it upwards so that he can catch the consequences of the lie. But what he sees there isn’t disappointment or hurt, its relief.

“Thank you for telling me.” He says.


End file.
